A Little Forgetful
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Two elderly women were out for a
ride in a rather large car. But,
neither of them could see over
the dashboard. As they were riding
along, they came to a intersection,
where the light was red, but they
just went on through it. The woman
in the passanger seat thought to
herself, I must be losing it! I
would have sworn we just went thru
a red light. Soon they came to
another intersection, and the light
was red. Again,the driver drove on
through it. The passenger began to
get very nervous, and wondered if
she was seeing things right. At
the next interection, sure enough,
the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She
turned to the woman driving and
said. "Dorothy, did you know we
have just driven through three
red lights in a row?" You could
have killed us!" Dorothy turned
to her and said. " Oh My Gosh!
Am I driving?"
The Farmer and Attorney
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One day a local famer went
to see an attorney. After
he walked in, the attorney
asked. "May I help you? and
the farmer said. "I'm here
to get a day-vorce." So the
attorney asked him if he had
and ground? And the farmer
replied that he had 160 acres.
The attorney said "No you do
not understand. Do you have
a case?" The farm answered,
"Nope! I don't have a case,
but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said. "No you
don't understand, do you have
a grudge?" The farmer said,
"Sure I have a grudge, thats
where I keep my John Deere."
The attorney said. "No sir,
do you have a suit?" The
farmer replied. "Yep, I got
a suit I wear to church on
Sundays. The attorney said,
"Well sir, does your wife
beat you up or anything?"
The farmer answered. "No,
we both get up about 4:30."
Finally the attorney says,
"Let me try to put it this
way then. Why do you want
a Divorce?" So, the farmer
says. "Well, I can never
have a meaningful conver-
sation with her."
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A middle aged woman had a
heart attack and was taken
to the hospital. While on
the operating table she had
a near death experience....
Seeing God, she asked "Is
My Time up?" God said "No,
you have another 30 years,
2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman had
decided to stay there in the
hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, and tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in
and change the color of her
hair. She had so much time
to live, she figured she'd
make the most of it. After
her last operation, she was
released from the hospital.
While crossing a street on
her way home,she was killed
by an ambulance. Arriving
in front of God, she said,
"I thought you said that I
had another 30+ years? Why
didn't you pull me from the
path of the ambulance? And
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you." ========================
Farmer Joe decided he was
injured bad enough from an
accident, to sue a trucking
company in court. In court,
the fancy trucking company
lawyer was questioning the
farmer about the accident.
Farmer Joe responded "Well,
I'll tell you what happened.
I' had just loaded up my
favorite mule Bessie in the
.." The lawyer stopped him
and said. "I didn't ask you
for details, Just answer the
question! Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident
"I'm fine." So, Farmer Joe
said. "Well, I just had got
Bessie into the trailor and
was driving down the road,"
The lawyer interupted him
again, and said. "Judge, I
am trying to establish the
fact that at the scene of
the accident, this man here
told the Highway Patrolman
that he was "Just Fine" He
now, several weeks after
the accident is trying to
sue my client! I believe
him to be a fraud! Please
tell him to simply answer.
the question! By this time
the Judge was beginning to
be fairly interested in
Farmer Joes answer. So he
said to the lawyer. " I'd
like to hear what he has
to say about his favorite
mule Bessie." Joe then
thanked the Judge, and
proceeded. " Well, as I
was saying. I had just
loaded Bessie my favorite
mule, into the trailor -
and was driving down the
highway when this huge
semi-truck and trailor
ran through the stopsign
and smashed my truck on
the right side. I was
thrown in one ditch and
Bessie was thrown to the
other. I could hear my
Ole Bessie moaning and
groaning, and I knew she
was in terrible pain!
Before long, a Highway
Patrolman came on the
scene, and he could hear
Bessie moaning too so he
went over to her. After
he had taken a look at
her, he took out his gun
and shot her right tween
her eyes. The Patrolman
then came down across the
road with his gun in his
hand, He said: "Your mule
was in such bad shape, I
had to shoot her. And,
How are you feeling?"
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Livin' On Prayer
================
The Sunday before Christmas,
a pastor told his congregation
that the church needed some
extra money. He asked that
the people consider donating
a little more than usual into
the offering plate. After the
plates had passed, the pastor
noticed that someone had placed
a $1000 bill in the offering.
He was became so excited and he
wanted to show his immediate joy
with his congregation and said
he'd like to personally thank
the person, who placed the money
in the plate. A very quiet and
elderly, saintly looking woman
all the way in the back of the
church shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come up
to the front. Slowly she made
her way up to the pastor. He
told her how wonderful it was
that she gave so much and in
thanks, he asked her to pick
out three hymns. She smiled,
and her eyes brightened as she
looked over the congregation,
pointed to the 3 most handsome
men in the building, and said:
"I'll take him, him, and him!" Smart Farmer
A farmer in the country has a
watermelon patch, and after he
checked it one day - he found
that some of the local kids
had been eating his watermelons.
So the farmer thought of ways to
discourage people from eating up
his profits. The farmer put up
a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE
OF THESE WATERMELONS
CONTAINS CYANIDE!". The farmer
returned about a week later and
he found that none of his
watermelons had been eaten, but
someone had put up another sign
next to his that read,
"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
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